Let’s Talk About Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt
I absolutely loved this book. It’s such a simple, step-by-step guide to creating conscious relationships, and it offers a framework that’s both practical and deeply rooted in psychology. I’ve read a lot about romantic relationships—partly because of my passion for understanding love and partly because I’m currently working on my Vita Major for Relationship Coaching—and this book has become one of my all-time favorites.
What makes it so special is how well-structured it is. The authors base their approach on Imago Therapy, which focuses on the unconscious patterns we develop in childhood and how they shape our adult relationships. It’s an eye-opener to see how much our early experiences influence how we love and communicate as adults. The book is filled with actionable exercises and tools that help couples identify their patterns and work toward healthier, more fulfilling connections.
One concept that really stood out to me from this book is the idea of the relationship bubble—that sacred space between two partners where the relationship itself lives. It’s not just “you” or “me”; it’s the “Us” that gets created when we both bring our full selves into a partnership. Acknowledging and nurturing this relationship bubble is such a simple yet profound step in keeping love alive and thriving.
Here are a few simple ideas to help nurture the “Us” in your relationship:
1. Create Ritual Space for the Couple
Life can get busy, and it’s easy to let the demands of work, kids, or daily routines take over. To nurture the relationship bubble, intentionally carve out time for just the two of you. This doesn’t have to be elaborate—it can be as simple as a weekly date night, a morning coffee ritual, or even a monthly check-in to share how you’re feeling about the relationship. The key is consistency and making this time sacred.
For example, you could establish a “no phones” dinner where the focus is entirely on each other. Use this time to talk, laugh, dream, or simply be together. These rituals strengthen the connection and remind you that the relationship itself is worth prioritizing.
2. Practice Appreciation and Gratitude
Often, we focus on what’s wrong or what we wish could be different, but nurturing the “Us” means celebrating what’s right. Make it a habit to express gratitude for your partner daily, whether it’s through a heartfelt “thank you,” a thoughtful gesture, or even a love note.
This could be as simple as saying, “I really appreciate how you handled that situation,” or, “Thank you for making me laugh today—I needed that.” Over time, these small acts of appreciation build a positive atmosphere in your relationship bubble, making it a space of love, respect, and joy.
3. Engage in Shared Goals or Activities
Another way to nurture the “Us” is by creating shared experiences that bring you closer together. This could be anything from taking a cooking class, hiking a new trail, planning a trip, or even tackling a home project together. Engaging in activities that require teamwork and mutual effort helps you reconnect as a unit.
You can also set shared goals, like saving for a vacation or working on a health challenge together. These collaborative efforts remind you that you’re on the same team, working toward something meaningful for both of you.
Nurturing the “Us” doesn’t require grand gestures—it’s the small, consistent acts of love and attention that make all the difference. By creating rituals, expressing gratitude, and sharing experiences, you’re actively investing in your relationship bubble, keeping it vibrant and strong.
I use a lot of the techniques from this book in my newlywed retreats, and they’ve been transformative for couples. Also, if you’re interested, you can check out our resources section on the website, where we’ve summarized some of these techniques into downloadable guides. They’re incredibly useful, whether you’re newly married or have been together for decades.
What is the Book About?
Getting the Love You Want is a self-help book that explores the dynamics of romantic relationships through the lens of Imago Therapy. Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, this therapeutic method helps couples identify unconscious patterns rooted in childhood and teaches them how to communicate more effectively.
The book provides practical exercises and tools to help couples resolve conflicts, deepen their emotional connection, and create a more loving and conscious partnership. With its clear structure and science-backed insights, it’s a must-read for anyone looking to transform their relationship.
Themes and Reflections
Imago Therapy: The book introduces the concept of the Imago, an unconscious image of love shaped by childhood experiences, and explores how it affects romantic relationships.
Childhood and Relationships: The connection between early childhood wounds and adult love is a central theme, offering a path to healing and growth.
Conscious Communication: The authors emphasize tools like mirroring, validation, and empathy to foster deeper understanding and reduce conflict.
The Relationship Bubble: The idea of nurturing the space where the relationship lives highlights the importance of mutual care and attention.
Practical Exercises: The book offers step-by-step tools and techniques for couples to enhance their emotional connection and create lasting change.
Questions for Reflection & Book Club Discussions
How do the authors explain the concept of the "Imago" in the context of romantic relationships?
What are the key steps to developing conscious communication with your partner?
How does the book address the connection between childhood wounds and adult romantic relationships?
What exercises do the authors recommend for couples to enhance their emotional connection? Which ones stood out to you?
How can couples use the concept of mirroring to improve their relationship?
What role does empathy play in resolving conflicts according to the authors?
How does Getting the Love You Want suggest couples can move from blame to understanding?
What are the common pitfalls in relationships that the book identifies, and how can they be avoided?
How do the authors suggest maintaining the progress made in a relationship over the long term?
What About You?
Have you read Getting the Love You Want? Did the concepts of Imago Therapy or the relationship bubble resonate with you? Have you tried any of the exercises, and if so, how did they impact your relationship?
Let’s share our thoughts on this transformative book and the practical lessons it offers for building stronger, more conscious connections.
Amazon: Link