The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
When I picked up The Courage to Be Disliked, I wasn’t familiar with Alfred Adler or his teachings, but this book changed that in such a delightful and eye-opening way. It’s not just a self-help book—it’s a conversation, a Socratic dialogue between a wise philosopher and a skeptical young student. The format pulled me in immediately; it felt like I was a fly on the wall, listening to an intellectual sparring match.
What struck me most was how practical and relatable Adler’s ideas became through the dialogue. The concept of not relying on external validation to define your worth isn’t new, but the way the authors unpack it makes it feel fresh and applicable. At times, I found myself frustrated with the young student’s persistent doubts, but that frustration was part of the magic—it mirrored the resistance we all feel when confronted with ideas that challenge us.
I loved this book so much that I went on to read their follow-up, The Courage to Be Happy, which builds on these ideas beautifully. Together, these books have offered me a new perspective on happiness, relationships, and living authentically.
What is the Book About?
The Courage to Be Disliked is based on Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology, a school of thought that emphasizes personal responsibility, self-acceptance, and the power of choice. Through a Socratic dialogue, the book explores why we often struggle with unhappiness, anxiety, and interpersonal conflict.
The central message is simple yet profound: much of our suffering stems from our need for external validation and approval. By freeing ourselves from this need, we can take control of our lives and live authentically. The philosopher in the book challenges the student—and, by extension, the reader—to confront their fears, separate their tasks from others’ expectations, and embrace the courage to live in the present moment without being held back by the past or anxieties about the future.
Themes and Key Takeaways
The Courage to Be Disliked: True freedom comes from living authentically, even if it means facing disapproval from others.
Self-Acceptance Over Validation: Our self-worth doesn’t depend on others’ opinions; it comes from within.
Responsibility and Choice: We have the power to shape our own lives, regardless of our circumstances or past experiences.
Tasks and Boundaries: Separating your tasks from others’ expectations is key to healthier relationships and personal fulfillment.
Living in the Present: Happiness is found in the here and now, not in dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.
Practical Wisdom Through Dialogue: The Socratic method used in the book makes complex psychological ideas accessible and engaging.
Questions for Reflection
What are your initial impressions of the concept of "the courage to be disliked"? How does it resonate with your own approach to life?
Do you agree with the book’s critique of seeking external validation as a source of unhappiness? How can we recognize and break free from this tendency?
How do Adler’s ideas about individual tasks and life goals align with your own experiences of personal fulfillment?
What does separating tasks from relationships mean to you? How might this apply in your life, particularly in close relationships?
The book emphasizes confronting and accepting past challenges as part of personal growth. How can you approach your own difficult memories from a mindful perspective?
How can the idea of “living as if” help you navigate social situations or achieve personal goals?
Did the book’s emphasis on living in the present moment resonate with you? What practices help you stay grounded in the now?
What were your thoughts on the Socratic dialogue format of the book? Did it enhance your understanding of the concepts?
How has The Courage to Be Disliked impacted your perspective on happiness, relationships, and authenticity?
Share any personal experiences or insights from the book that you feel would be valuable to the group discussion.
What About You?
Have you ever been drawn into a book that felt like a conversation with brilliant minds? Did The Courage to Be Disliked challenge your perspective or offer you new insights? If you’ve read it, what stood out to you the most?
And if you haven’t yet, what about the title or its themes intrigues you? How might embracing “the courage to be disliked” impact your life?
Let’s talk about how these ideas resonate with us and how we’re working to live more authentically and courageously.